antipaucity

Apparently, the CERN Large Hadron Collider will be turned on soon. That’s cool, because way back when I graduated highschool, I worked as an intern directly manufacturing some components that went into the prototype, and might even be used in the real thing.

Now some genius in Europe ahs filed a lawsuit, claiming that the LHC might start a blackhole and obliterate earth.

If it creates a blackhole (a remarkably unlikely event), it’ll either evaporate, or we’ll get frozen in time, presuming it collapses the earth into itself.

Either way: sounds fun to me.

Full transcript - again, Mr Carlin, you are missed.

You got people like this around you? Country is full of them now! People walking around all day long, every minute of the day — worried about EVERYTHING! Worried about the air, worried about the water, worried about the soil. Worried about insecticides, pesticides, food additives, carcinogens; worried about radon gas; worried about asbestos. Worried about saving endangered species.

Let me tell you about endangered species, all right? Saving endangered species is just one more arrogant attempt by humans to control Nature! It’s arrogant meddling! It’s what got us into trouble in the first place! Doesn’t anybody understand that? Interfering with Nature! Over 90 percent.. over… way over 90 percent of all the species that have ever lived — EVER LIVED — on this planet are gone. Whissshht! They are extinct!

We didn’t kill them all.

They just… disappeared! That’s what Nature does! They disappear these days at the rate of 25 a day, and I mean regardless of our behavior. Irrespective of how we act on this planet, 25 species that were here today, will be gone tomorrow! Let them go… gracefully! Leave Nature alone! Haven’t we done enough?

We’re so self-important. So self-important! Everybody’s going to save something now. “Save the trees; save the bees; save the whales; save those snails.” And the greatest arrogance of all, “Save the planet.” WHAT? Are these fucking people kidding me? Save the planet? We don’t even know how to take care of ourselves yet. We haven’t learned how to care for one another, we’re gonna save the fucking planet?

I’m getting tired of that shit. Tired of that shit. Tired! I’m tired of fucking Earth Day! I’m tired of these self-righteous environmentalists; these white, bourgeois liberals who think the only thing wrong with this country is there aren’t enough bicycle paths. People trying to make the world safe for their Volvos. Besides, environmentalists don’t give a shit about the planet. They don’t care about the planet. Not in the abstract they don’t. Not in the abstract they don’t. You know what they’re interested in? A clean place to live. Their own habitat. They’re worried that some day in the future, they might be personally inconvenienced. Narrow, unenlightened self-interest doesn’t impress me.

Besides, there is nothing wrong with the planet. Nothing wrong with the planet. The planet is fine. The PEOPLE are fucked. Difference. Difference! The planet is fine. Compared to the people, the planet is doing great. Been here four and a half billion years. Did you ever think about the arithmetic? The planet has been here four and a half billion years. We’ve been here, what? A hundred thousand? Maybe two hundred thousand? And we’ve only been engaged in heavy industry for a little over two hundred years. Two hundred years versus four and a half billion. And we have the CONCEIT to think that somehow we’re a threat? That somehow we’re gonna put in jeopardy this beautiful little blue-green ball that’s just a-floatin’ around the sun?

The planet has been through a lot worse than us. Been through all kinds of things worse than us. Been through earthquakes, volcanoes, plate tectonics, continental drift, solar flares, sun spots, magnetic storms, the magnetic reversal of the poles; hundreds of thousands of years of bombardment by comets and asteroids and meteors; worlwide floods, tidal waves, worldwide fires, erosion, cosmic rays, recurring ice ages… And we think some plastic bags, and some aluminum cans are going to make a difference? The planet… the planet… the planet isn’t going anywhere. WE ARE!

We’re going away. Pack your shit, folks. We’re going away. And we won’t leave much of a trace, either. Thank God for that. Maybe a little styrofoam. Maybe. A little styrofoam. The planet will be here and we’ll be long gone. Just another failed mutation. Just another closed-end biological mistake. An evolutionary cul-de-sac. The planet will shake us off like a bad case of fleas. A surface nuisance.

You wanna know how the planet is doing? Ask those people at Pompeii, who are frozen into position from volcanic ash, “How the planet’s doing?” You wanna know if the planet’s all right, ask those people in Mexico City or Armenia or a hundred other places buried under thousands of tons of earthquake rubble, if they feel like a threat to the planet this week. Or how about those people in Kilowaia, Hawaii, who built their homes right next to an active volcano, and then wonder why they have lava in the living room.

The planet will be here for a long, long — LONG — time after we’re gone, and it will heal itself; it will cleanse itself, because that’s what it does. It’s a self-correcting system. The air and the water will recover; the earth will be renewed; and, if it’s true that plastic is not degradable, well, the planet will simply incorporate plastic into a new pardigm: the Earth plus plastic! The Earth doesn’t share our prejudice towards plastic. Plastic came out of the Earth. The Earth probably sees plastic as just another one of its children. Could be the only reason the Earth allowed us to be spawned from it in the first place. It wanted plastic for itself. Didn’t know how to make it. Needed us. Could be the answer to our age-old philosophical question, “Why are we here?” “Plastic! Assholes.”

So! So, the plastic is here, our job is done, we can be phased out now. And I think that it has already started already, don’t you? I think, to be fair, the planet probably sees us as a mild threat. Something to be dealt with. And I am sure the planet will defend itself in the manner of a large organism, like a beehive or an ant colony, and muster a defense. I am sure the planet will think of something. What would you do if you were the planet trying to defend against this pesky, troublesome species? “Let’s see… What might… Hmm.. Viruses! Viruses might be good. They seem vulnerable to viruses. And, uh…viruses are tricky, always mutating and forming new strains whenever a vaccine is developed. Perhaps, this first virus could be one that compromises the immune system of these creatures. Perhaps a human immunodeficiency virus, making them vulnerable to all sorts of other diseases and infections that might come along. And maybe it could be spread sexually, making them a little reluctant to engage in the act of reproduction.”

Well, that’s a poetic note. And it’s a start. And I can dream, can’t I? See I don’t worry about the little things: bees, trees, whales, snails. I think we’re part of a greater wisdom than we will ever understand. A higher order. Call it what you want. Know what I call it? The Big Electron.” The Big Electron…whoooa. Whoooa. Whoooa. It doesn’t punish; it doesn’t reward; it doesn’t judge at all. It just is. And so are we. For a little while.

Thanks for being here with me for a little while tonight!

Thank you!

I just found out my aunt died sometime between Saturday night and this morning.

She didn’t call-in to work to say she’d be out, so one of her coworkers checked on her - and she didn’t answer the phone, so my dad, her older brother, went to her apartment to find out what was wrong. He found her lying on the floor not breathing.

All I know right now is that this wasn’t supposed to happen.

55-year-old people are not supposed to die.

Only old people are supposed to be allowed to die. Three score and ten. That’s 70. Not 55. Just a few weeks ago, my great-grandmother passed-on, but she was 98. In 2005, both a great uncle and great aunt passed away, but they were old, too.

55 is just not old enough.

She was supposed to be at work today.

She had just finished her first full week back after having been out ill for a couple weeks. It was her first full week at work since February.

She was supposed to finish her career at Albany County Social Services and retire in 10 years.

She was supposed to be moving nearer to my parents in the next few months.

She was supposed to see my younger sister, her only niece, start and finish college.

She was supposed to meet whoever I end up marrying, and be at the wedding.

She was supposed to see MY kids grow up and get a chance to know her.

She was supposed to come to trivia at Uno’s with us some Sunday nights.

She was supposed to see my sister get married.

But most of all: she was just supposed to be alive.

I talked to her Saturday on my drive from North Carolina to New York, and didn’t tell her I was coming up because I wanted to surprise her. I was in Albany on Sunday, and was the one who told my parents that we didn’t have room in my truck to pick up her dehumidifier that she was going to lend us after their water heater broke and flooded the basement. So, I was the one who bailed on surprising her yesterday - after having planned to do so the whole ride north.

That means my last memory of her is of saying, “I know you need to hit the sack so you can go to breakfast in the morning” and her responding with a “good night, Mike”. I didn’t call her yesterday morning because a) I knew she was supposed to be at breakfast, and b) she’d have been curious as to why I wasn’t at church, to which I didn’t want to have to lie, or give away the surprise.

Not two years ago she had a heart attack, and bypass surgery. She was back to work just a couple months later last year after physical therapy. I told her then that she had expended her “emergencies” and wasn’t allowed to do anything like that again. And she didn’t - she went to work as much as she could. She was out of work for a couple weeks a couple months ago when she was diagnosed with fibromyalgia - which is treatable, and she was on a medication track to keep her healthy.

This upcoming weekend, after my friends’ Evan and Christy get married, I was supposed to be driving back to Albany, and we were all (mom, dad, sister, aunt, and I) planning to have dinner. We were supposed to be celebrating her going back to work at our favorite restaurant.

We were supposed to do lots of stuff.

We were supposed to have lots of time.

Now everything that I had to say can’t be.

Everything that should have been done won’t be.

Now I’m sitting by myself. In a hotel room. In Nutley New Jersey.

Trying to figure out what it is that I wished I’d done, said, acted upon… and now never can.

Saying “I miss you” or “I love you” is too trite. And she’s not here to hear it. So whatever it is that needed to be said, and done, and acted upon now can only be written.

“Tell me I have led a good life.”

It’s too late to tell you.
It’s too late for you to hear.
But as long as I’m here:
It’s not too late for me to tell the world: “You did”.

In eternal, loving memory: Cindy Lee Myers. 1953-2008.

I travel for work. Because I fly hither and yon, I get to rent cars. Some of the time I get interesting ones. Mostly I get vehicles that drive, and get me from point A to point B and back again.

In another life, I worked for Hertz in Latham NY. Working for Hertz was both a fun time and an incredibly frustrating work experience. The city manager was a royal prick - micromanaging everyone of his Vehicle Service Attendants (aka folks that clean cars and get them ready for the next renter), and not letting any of us, all of whom were demonstrably more intelligent than he was, do the jobs we were hired for. Instead of talking to us like the adults we all were something to the effect of, “we need a bunch of full-sizes today” (read ‘Taurus’ or similar) and letting us go clean the full-sizes that were awaiting prep, he’d come out and pop trunks on the cars he wanted us to clean - oftentimes in the middle of the rows of cars, which meant they didn’t get gotten-to for a while, since we’d clean our way to them. But I digress.

The best thing about working for Hertz was that I got to drive everything they had. The worst thing about working for Hertz was I had to drive everything they had. From Miatas to Windstars, Mustangs to Corollas, Jaguars to Accents - we cleaned them all. I got to know a bunch of vehicles I’d love to own, and an even larger list of ones I’d prefer to never see again.

Now that I travel for work, I again am forced to drive whatever the rental agency has available - corporate driving rules and all, I don’t get to pick my vehicles very often. I’ve gotten to drive the hybrid Escape, new Mustang, and Edge. I’ve also been stuck with a Corolla. This week the very polite folks at Avis (no that is not sarcasm) here in Atlanta stuck me in a PT Cruiser. I wrote about my opinions of that … vehicle on my other blog a while back. The newer PT Cruisers are still under-powered. They’re also weirdly laid-out for controls: the window controls are not on the door, or even the center console - they’re on the dashboard.

It has head room, and the leg room isn’t horrible, but with a hideously small engine for its heft, I wouldn’t want to be in it if I had to get up to speed, say like getting on an interstate. Its mileage is also pretty bad for such a small vehicle, and it has very little cargo space compared to anything else I’ve had as a rental: including the Corolla. The only thing I’ve driven with less space was a Miata. But at least the Miata is fun to drive.

USA Today reports that toll revenues are down because (drum roll please): fewer people are driving, they’re driving shorter distances, or they’re taking mass transit.

What is the response from the organizations that run toll roads? Why, raise tolls of course.

That’s right: like any other time the government gets involved in something, instead of encouraging people to drive more (such as by dropping tolls), they raise them. They do it with taxes, bus fares, and anything else where they think they’re entitled to revenue.

When private enterprise starts losing customers, they sure as hell don’t *raise* prices: they cut them to get people back. But not the government.

And don’t get me started on the fact that all these roads have paid for themselves dozens of times over from the tolls *already* collected.

I travel for work now, so I get to see lots of elevators. I’ve seen elevators that you pick the floor you want to go to outside the elevator, and then the elevator bank directs you to the one it thinks you should ride to get to your destination the quickest. I’ve seen simple elevators with numbers that light up. And I’ve seen ones that have no lights - they just open and you get on.

I noticed that the elevator lights at the customer site I’ve been assigned to the past couple weeks are arrows. But more importantly, when the elevator is going up, a green up arrow displays. However, when it’s going down, and red down arrow lights.

This got me contemplating what subliminal messages this might be conveying. Certainly one that jumps immediately to mind is that going to work is good, and leaving is bad.

It could also imply that before you leave you should STOP and make sure you have everything you need before going home.

But what about when you have meetings on another floor? Does the red light indicate it’s bad to go to the meeting? And, if so, does that mean meetings should always happen on your floor or higher?

How many other common, every-day objects play to preconceived notions of what we should or shouldn’t do?