Category Archives: satire

humor, reprint, satire

david pogue’s 1996 mac holiday sing-along

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Thanks, Archive.org!

God Rest Ye Copland Programmers
(to the tune of “God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen”)

God rest ye Copland programmers,
It’s finally Christmas Day.
You’ve all worked 20-hour shifts
Beginning back in May.
No wonder after such neglect
Your spouses moved away.
The last real meal you had
Was late last year–
That’s what we hear;
And since then you’ve lived on
Pizza, Coke, and beer.

Your bosses change, and change their minds,
Is Copland off or on?
Are last week’s OS plans in place
Or now completely gone?
God rest ye well this Christmas Day,
You’d better sleep in late–
It’s the last sleep you’ll get till ’98.
Isn’t that great?
It’s the last day off you’ll have till ’98!

The Bill Gates Song
(to the tune of “The Christmas Song”)

Netscape roasting on an open fire,
Apple begging on its knees,
Photo popping up on Time magazine,
Yes, Bill Gates dreams of days like these!
Everybody knows he’s never fully satisfied,
Throws himself behind each task,
World dominion is his company’s goal.
Well, hey, is that so much to ask?
He knows the world is in his sway,
We’ll buy whatever software he might toss our way,
We’ll surf his Internet, watch his TV,
He’ll take us anywhere we ask him–for a fee.

And so we’re offering this simple prayer,
To Bill and all his MS grunts:
Since we all follow any standard you write,
Make it good, please,
Make it good, please,
Make it good, please, just once!

Gil Amelio’s Coming to Town!
(to the tune of “Santa Claus Is Coming to Town”)

You better watch out,
Absurd as it sounds,
‘Cause Apple’s about
To lose a few pounds–
Gil Amelio’s coming to town!

He’s making a list,
And trimming the rolls
Of projects that missed
Their revenue goals–
Gil Amelio’s coming to town!
He knows what’s losing money,
Like eWorld, PowerTalk . . .
You’d better make your project work
Or prepare to take a walk!

Though you follow his lead
Right out the back door,
You know he’ll succeed–
He’s done it before!
Gil Amelio’s coming to town!

Microsoft
(to the tune of “Jingle Bells”)

Nine-tenths of a gig,
Biggest ever seen,
God, this program’s big–
MS Word 15!
Comes on ten CDs,
And requires–damn!
Word is fine, but jeez–
60 megs of RAM?!

Oh! Microsoft, Microsoft,
Bloatware all the way!
I’ve sat here installing Word
Since breakfast yesterday!
Oh! Microsoft, Microsoft,
Moderation, please.
Guess you hadn’t noticed:
Four-gig drives don’t grow on trees!

I’m Dreaming of a Clean System
(to the tune of “White Christmas”)

I’m dreaming of a clean System,
Something that fits on one CD.
Each component matches,
Not bits and patches,
Unlike 7-5-point-3.
I’m longing for a dream System,
Small, stable, fast, and trouble-free.
What we want, I think you’ll agree,
Is called System 6-point-oh-3!

Violent Night
(to the tune of “Silent Night”)

Silent Mac, broken Mac!
System bombed, screen went black.
Books suggested things; I tried ’em all:
Shift key, desktop file, clean reinstall.
Now my deadline is tight,
This Mac’s been silent all night.

Violent night, horrible night!
Lost my cool, filled with spite,
Threw my Mac through the balcony door
Watched it fall from the 20th floor,
Now I’m sleeping in peace;
Thank God I had it on lease.

Prove It’s So!
(to the tune of “Let It Snow”)

Oh, the papers say Apple’s dying,
But before we start good-byeing,
We should call them all up and go,
“Prove it’s so! Prove it’s so! Prove it’s so!”

They say “Mac OS software’s scarcer.”
We say, “Read those numbers, there, sir,
Sales continued this year to grow.
There ya go, there ya go, there ya go!”

When they tell us Win 95
Made the Mac’s famed advantages ebb,
We’ll say, “Why, then, do Macs now drive
60 percent of the Web?”

We can win our PR reversal–
Make the Mac be universal–
Though we may have some years to go,
Make it so, make it so, make it so!

Happily Addicted to the Web
(to the tune of “Winter Wonderland”)

Doorbell rings, I’m not list’nin’,
From my mouth, drool is glist’nin’,
I’m happy–although
My boss let me go–
Happily addicted to the Web.
All night long, I sit clicking,
Unaware time is ticking,
There’s beard on my cheek,
Same clothes for a week,
Happily addicted to the Web.

Friends come by; they shake me,
Saying, “Yo, man!
Don’t you know tonight’s the senior prom?”
With a listless shrug, I mutter, “No, man;
I just discovered letterman-dot-com!”

I don’t phone, don’t send faxes,
Don’t go out, don’t pay taxes,
Who cares if someday
They drag me away?
I’m happily addicted to the Web!

humor, reprint, satire

lobachevsky – by tom lehrer

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Tom Lehrer, for those who don’t know, was a fantastic satirist and musical humorist in the 20th century.

Lobachevsky is one of my favorites of his (YouTube edition):

[spoken] For many years now, Mr. Danny Kaye, who has been my particular idol since childbirth, has been doing a routine about the great Russian director Stanislavsky and the secret of success in the acting profession. And I thought it would be interesting to stea… to adapt this idea to the field of mathematics. I always like to make explicit the fact that before I went off not too long ago to fight in the trenches, I was a mathematician by profession. I don’t like people to get the idea that I have to do this for a living. I mean, it isn’t as though I had to do this, you know, I could be making, oh, 3000 dollars a year just teaching.

Be that as it may, some of you may have had occasion to run into mathematicians and to wonder therefore how they got that way, and here, in partial explanation perhaps, is the story of the great Russian mathematician Nicolai Ivanovich Lobachevsky. 

[spoke-sung]

Who made me the genius I am today,
The mathematician that others all quote,
Who’s the professor that made me that way?
The greatest that ever got chalk on his coat.

One man deserves the credit,
One man deserves the blame,
And Nicolai Ivanovich Lobachevsky is his name.
Hi!
Nicolai Ivanovich Lobach-

I am never forget the day I first meet the great Lobachevsky.
In one word he told me secret of success in mathematics:
Plagiarize!

Plagiarize,
Let no one else’s work evade your eyes,
Remember why the good Lord made your eyes,
So don’t shade your eyes,
But plagiarize, plagiarize, plagiarize –
Only be sure always to call it please ‘research’.

And ever since I meet this man
My life is not the same,
And Nicolai Ivanovich Lobachevsky is his name.
Hi!
Nicolai Ivanovich Lobach-

I am never forget the day I am given first original paper
to write. It was on analytic and algebraic topology of
locally Euclidean parameterization of infinitely differentiable
Riemannian manifold.
Bozhe moi!
This I know from nothing.
What-i’m going-to do.
But I think of great Lobachevsky and get idea – ahah!

I have a friend in Minsk,
Who has a friend in Pinsk,
Whose friend in Omsk
Has friend in Tomsk
With friend in Akmolinsk.
His friend in Alexandrovsk
Has friend in Petropavlovsk,
Whose friend somehow
Is solving now
The problem in Dnepropetrovsk.

And when his work is done –
Ha ha! – begins the fun.
From Dnepropetrovsk
To Petropavlovsk,
By way of Iliysk,
And Novorossiysk,
To Alexandrovsk to Akmolinsk
To Tomsk to Omsk
To Pinsk to Minsk
To me the news will run,
Yes, to me the news will run!

And then I write
By morning, night,
And afternoon,
And pretty soon
My name in Dnepropetrovsk is cursed,
When he finds out I publish first!

And who made me a big success
And brought me wealth and fame?
Nicolai Ivanovich Lobachevsky is his name.
Hi!
Nicolai Ivanovich Lobach –

I am never forget the day my first book is published.
Every chapter I stole from somewhere else.
Index I copy from old Vladivostok telephone directory.
This book was sensational!
Pravda – well, Pravda – Pravda said: “Zhil-bil korol kogda-to, pree nyom blokha zhila”[1] It stinks.
But Izvestia! Izvestia said: “Ya idoo kuda sam czar idyot peshkom!”[2] 
It stinks.
Metro-Goldwyn-Moskva buys movie rights for six million rubles,
Changing title to ‘The Eternal Triangle’,
With Brigitte Bardot playing part of hypotenuse.

And who deserves the credit?
And who deserves the blame?
Nicolai Ivanovich Lobachevsky is his name.
Hi! 

books, commentary, interview, politics, review, satire

world war z by max brooks

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Max Brooks is likely the world’s foremost authority on zombies – how to survive them, what to do if there is an uprising, etc.

In “World War Z – An Oral History of the Zombie War”, he tackles the issue of reporting on what happened by interviews with those who survived. From first-hand accounts from a variety of sources – early spotters, military members, religious leaders – from around the world, Mr Brooks presents a thrilling, chilling, engaging narrative of “The Crisis”: both as it happened, and what we need to do to continue to avert any further repercussions.

I have yet to find another report as balanced and in-depth as Mr Brooks with regards to this horrific chapter in human (and zombie) history.

  • Quality of writing: 5/5
  • Entertainment value: 5/5
  • Historicity: 5/5
  • Viscerality: 5/5
  • Overall: 5/5
humor, ideas, satire

the. killer. business!

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