antipaucity

fighting the lack of good ideas

you can make anything online – even grave markers

Knock yourself out.

david pogue’s 1996 mac holiday sing-along

Thanks, Archive.org!

God Rest Ye Copland Programmers
(to the tune of “God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen”)

God rest ye Copland programmers,
It’s finally Christmas Day.
You’ve all worked 20-hour shifts
Beginning back in May.
No wonder after such neglect
Your spouses moved away.
The last real meal you had
Was late last year–
That’s what we hear;
And since then you’ve lived on
Pizza, Coke, and beer.

Your bosses change, and change their minds,
Is Copland off or on?
Are last week’s OS plans in place
Or now completely gone?
God rest ye well this Christmas Day,
You’d better sleep in late–
It’s the last sleep you’ll get till ’98.
Isn’t that great?
It’s the last day off you’ll have till ’98!

The Bill Gates Song
(to the tune of “The Christmas Song”)

Netscape roasting on an open fire,
Apple begging on its knees,
Photo popping up on Time magazine,
Yes, Bill Gates dreams of days like these!
Everybody knows he’s never fully satisfied,
Throws himself behind each task,
World dominion is his company’s goal.
Well, hey, is that so much to ask?
He knows the world is in his sway,
We’ll buy whatever software he might toss our way,
We’ll surf his Internet, watch his TV,
He’ll take us anywhere we ask him–for a fee.

And so we’re offering this simple prayer,
To Bill and all his MS grunts:
Since we all follow any standard you write,
Make it good, please,
Make it good, please,
Make it good, please, just once!

Gil Amelio’s Coming to Town!
(to the tune of “Santa Claus Is Coming to Town”)

You better watch out,
Absurd as it sounds,
‘Cause Apple’s about
To lose a few pounds–
Gil Amelio’s coming to town!

He’s making a list,
And trimming the rolls
Of projects that missed
Their revenue goals–
Gil Amelio’s coming to town!
He knows what’s losing money,
Like eWorld, PowerTalk . . .
You’d better make your project work
Or prepare to take a walk!

Though you follow his lead
Right out the back door,
You know he’ll succeed–
He’s done it before!
Gil Amelio’s coming to town!

Microsoft
(to the tune of “Jingle Bells”)

Nine-tenths of a gig,
Biggest ever seen,
God, this program’s big–
MS Word 15!
Comes on ten CDs,
And requires–damn!
Word is fine, but jeez–
60 megs of RAM?!

Oh! Microsoft, Microsoft,
Bloatware all the way!
I’ve sat here installing Word
Since breakfast yesterday!
Oh! Microsoft, Microsoft,
Moderation, please.
Guess you hadn’t noticed:
Four-gig drives don’t grow on trees!

I’m Dreaming of a Clean System
(to the tune of “White Christmas”)

I’m dreaming of a clean System,
Something that fits on one CD.
Each component matches,
Not bits and patches,
Unlike 7-5-point-3.
I’m longing for a dream System,
Small, stable, fast, and trouble-free.
What we want, I think you’ll agree,
Is called System 6-point-oh-3!

Violent Night
(to the tune of “Silent Night”)

Silent Mac, broken Mac!
System bombed, screen went black.
Books suggested things; I tried ’em all:
Shift key, desktop file, clean reinstall.
Now my deadline is tight,
This Mac’s been silent all night.

Violent night, horrible night!
Lost my cool, filled with spite,
Threw my Mac through the balcony door
Watched it fall from the 20th floor,
Now I’m sleeping in peace;
Thank God I had it on lease.

Prove It’s So!
(to the tune of “Let It Snow”)

Oh, the papers say Apple’s dying,
But before we start good-byeing,
We should call them all up and go,
“Prove it’s so! Prove it’s so! Prove it’s so!”

They say “Mac OS software’s scarcer.”
We say, “Read those numbers, there, sir,
Sales continued this year to grow.
There ya go, there ya go, there ya go!”

When they tell us Win 95
Made the Mac’s famed advantages ebb,
We’ll say, “Why, then, do Macs now drive
60 percent of the Web?”

We can win our PR reversal–
Make the Mac be universal–
Though we may have some years to go,
Make it so, make it so, make it so!

Happily Addicted to the Web
(to the tune of “Winter Wonderland”)

Doorbell rings, I’m not list’nin’,
From my mouth, drool is glist’nin’,
I’m happy–although
My boss let me go–
Happily addicted to the Web.
All night long, I sit clicking,
Unaware time is ticking,
There’s beard on my cheek,
Same clothes for a week,
Happily addicted to the Web.

Friends come by; they shake me,
Saying, “Yo, man!
Don’t you know tonight’s the senior prom?”
With a listless shrug, I mutter, “No, man;
I just discovered letterman-dot-com!”

I don’t phone, don’t send faxes,
Don’t go out, don’t pay taxes,
Who cares if someday
They drag me away?
I’m happily addicted to the Web!

somewhere over the buffet

From the late, great John Pinnete (to the tune of “Somewhere Over the Rainbow”)

Somewhere over the buffet:
Food piled high.
There’s a meal I must get to,
Stop me and you will die.

Somewhere over the buffet:
Watch me fly.
Eating up all of the profits,
Making the owner cry.

Someday I’ll have my own buffet
Where no one can tell me to stop eating.
With prime rib, pork chops, pizza, ham –
A gastronomic wonderland!

I’ll be at every seating!

If scrawny, skinny men can fly
Over the buffet,
Why oh why can’t I?

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how cold is it?

an oldy, but a goody


An annotated thermometer (degrees Fahrenheit)

+50
New York tenants turn on the heat
Minnesotans plant gardens

+40
Californians shiver uncontrollably
Minnesotans sunbathe

+35
Italian cars don’t start

+32
Distilled water freezes

+30
You can see your breath
You plan a vacation in Florida
Politicians begin to worry about the homeless
Minnesotans eat ice cream

+25
Boston water freezes
Californians weep pitiably
Cat insists on sleeping on your bed with you

+20
Cleveland water freezes
San Franciscans start thinking favorably of LA
Minnesota Vikings fans put on T-shirts—-YEAH!!!

+15
You plan a vacation in CANCUN!!!!!
Minnesotans go swimming

+10
Politicians begin to talk about the homeless
Too cold to snow
You need jumper cables to get the car going

0
New York landlords turn on the heat

-5
You can hear your breath
You plan a vacation in Hawaii

-10
American cars don’t start
Too cold to skate

-15
You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo
Miamians cease to exist
Minnesotans lick flagpoles

-20
Cat insists on sleeping in your pajamas with you
Politicians actually do something about the homeless
People in Duluth think about taking down screens

-25
Too cold to kiss
You need jumper cables to get the driver going
Japanese cars don’t start
Minnesota Twins head for spring training

-30
You plan a two-week hot bath
Minnesotans shovel snow off roof

-38
Mercury freezes
Too cold to think
Minnesotans button top button

-40
Californians disappear
Car insists on sleeping in your bed with you
Minnesotans put on sweaters

-50
Congressional hot air freezes
Alaskans close the bathroom window
Two Harbors Minnesota Agates practice indoors

-60
Walruses abandon Aleutians
Minnesotans put gloves away, take out mittens
Boy Scouts in Two Harbors Minnesota start Klondike Derby

-70
Minneapolis residents replace diving boards with hockey nets
Ridgeway snowmobilers organize trans-river race to Buffalo,WI
Lackore Boys start to complain while working on snowmobiles

-80
Polar bears abandon Baffin Island
Girl Scouts in Two Harbors Minnesota start Klondike Derby

-90
Lawyers chase ambulances for no more than 10 miles
Wisconsinites migrate to Minnesota thinking it MUST be warmer

-100
Santa Claus abandons North Pole
Minnesotans pull down earflaps

-173
Ethyl alcohol freezes
The University of Minnesota (Twin Cities Campus) closes

-445
Superconductivity
Lackore Boys quit working on snowmobiles.

-452
Helium becomes a liquid

-454
Hell freezes over

-456
Illinois drivers drop below 85 MPH on I-90

-458
Incumbent politician renounces a campaign contribution

-460 (Absolute Zero)
All atomic motion ceases
The University of Minnesota-Duluth is closed
Minnesotans alert us as to how it’s getting a mite nippy


refound here

lobachevsky – by tom lehrer

Tom Lehrer, for those who don’t know, was a fantastic satirist and musical humorist in the 20th century.

Lobachevsky is one of my favorites of his (YouTube edition):

[spoken] For many years now, Mr. Danny Kaye, who has been my particular idol since childbirth, has been doing a routine about the great Russian director Stanislavsky and the secret of success in the acting profession. And I thought it would be interesting to stea… to adapt this idea to the field of mathematics. I always like to make explicit the fact that before I went off not too long ago to fight in the trenches, I was a mathematician by profession. I don’t like people to get the idea that I have to do this for a living. I mean, it isn’t as though I had to do this, you know, I could be making, oh, 3000 dollars a year just teaching.

Be that as it may, some of you may have had occasion to run into mathematicians and to wonder therefore how they got that way, and here, in partial explanation perhaps, is the story of the great Russian mathematician Nicolai Ivanovich Lobachevsky. 

[spoke-sung]

Who made me the genius I am today,
The mathematician that others all quote,
Who’s the professor that made me that way?
The greatest that ever got chalk on his coat.

One man deserves the credit,
One man deserves the blame,
And Nicolai Ivanovich Lobachevsky is his name.
Hi!
Nicolai Ivanovich Lobach-

I am never forget the day I first meet the great Lobachevsky.
In one word he told me secret of success in mathematics:
Plagiarize!

Plagiarize,
Let no one else’s work evade your eyes,
Remember why the good Lord made your eyes,
So don’t shade your eyes,
But plagiarize, plagiarize, plagiarize –
Only be sure always to call it please ‘research’.

And ever since I meet this man
My life is not the same,
And Nicolai Ivanovich Lobachevsky is his name.
Hi!
Nicolai Ivanovich Lobach-

I am never forget the day I am given first original paper
to write. It was on analytic and algebraic topology of
locally Euclidean parameterization of infinitely differentiable
Riemannian manifold.
Bozhe moi!
This I know from nothing.
What-i’m going-to do.
But I think of great Lobachevsky and get idea – ahah!

I have a friend in Minsk,
Who has a friend in Pinsk,
Whose friend in Omsk
Has friend in Tomsk
With friend in Akmolinsk.
His friend in Alexandrovsk
Has friend in Petropavlovsk,
Whose friend somehow
Is solving now
The problem in Dnepropetrovsk.

And when his work is done –
Ha ha! – begins the fun.
From Dnepropetrovsk
To Petropavlovsk,
By way of Iliysk,
And Novorossiysk,
To Alexandrovsk to Akmolinsk
To Tomsk to Omsk
To Pinsk to Minsk
To me the news will run,
Yes, to me the news will run!

And then I write
By morning, night,
And afternoon,
And pretty soon
My name in Dnepropetrovsk is cursed,
When he finds out I publish first!

And who made me a big success
And brought me wealth and fame?
Nicolai Ivanovich Lobachevsky is his name.
Hi!
Nicolai Ivanovich Lobach –

I am never forget the day my first book is published.
Every chapter I stole from somewhere else.
Index I copy from old Vladivostok telephone directory.
This book was sensational!
Pravda – well, Pravda – Pravda said: “Zhil-bil korol kogda-to, pree nyom blokha zhila”[1] It stinks.
But Izvestia! Izvestia said: “Ya idoo kuda sam czar idyot peshkom!”[2] 
It stinks.
Metro-Goldwyn-Moskva buys movie rights for six million rubles,
Changing title to ‘The Eternal Triangle’,
With Brigitte Bardot playing part of hypotenuse.

And who deserves the credit?
And who deserves the blame?
Nicolai Ivanovich Lobachevsky is his name.
Hi! 

pee-harmony, the original doggy forum

Have you ever noticed while walking a dog that they stop and sniff every tree, bush, and poo pile? And when two dogs come together, they sniff each other’s butts (a distinctly rude activity, if you ask me!)

I have a theory – dogs sniff each other’s butts because they’ve sniffed the pee patches and poo piles and want to know if those anonymous leavings are from the the dog they’ve just run into.

If they are, it must be somewhat akin to meeting in real life someone you’ve only known in a chat room or forum – DonkyKongSr or spiffalicious71. I wonder if the dogs think “hey! That was a really funny message you left!” or “man! You’re a jerk – I should bite your face off” when they come across the leaver of the scent.

And how disappointed must dogs be when the only way they ever hear back from another dog is when they pee on the same spot and they can tell that spiffalicious71 has come by again. Must be the canine equivalent of phone tag – but with eau d’ammonia instead of voices.