antipaucity

fighting the lack of good ideas

geroge carlin – fear of germs

What we have now is a completely neurotic population obsessed with security and safety and crime and drugs and cleanliness and hygiene and germs… there’s another thing… germs.

Where did this sudden fear of germs come from in this country? Have you noticed this? The media, constantly running stories about all the latest infections – salmonella, e-coli, hanta virus, bird flu – and Americans, they panic easily so now everybody’s running around, scrubbing this and spraying that and overcooking their food and repeatedly washing their hands, trying to avoid all contact with germs. It’s ridiculous and it goes to ridiculous lengths. In prisons, before they give you a lethal injection, they swab your arm with alcohol! It’s true! Yeah! Well, they don’t want you to get an infection! And you could see their point; wouldn’t want some guy to go to hell and be sick! It would take a lot of the sportsmanship out of the whole execution. Fear of germs… why these fucking pussies! You can’t even get a decent hamburger anymore! They cook the shit out of everything now cause everybody’s afraid of food poisoning! Hey, where’s your sense of adventure? Take a fucking chance will you? You know how many people die in this country from food poisoning every year? 9000… that’s all; it’s a minor risk! Take a fucking chance… bunch of goddamn pussies! Besides, what do you think you have an immune system for? It’s for killing germs! But it needs practice… it needs germs to practice on. So listen! If you kill all the germs around you, and live a completely sterile life, then when germs do come along, you’re not gonna be prepared. And never mind ordinary germs, what are you gonna do when some super virus comes along that turns your vital organs into liquid shit? I’ll tell you what you’re gonna do… you’re gonna get sick, you’re gonna die, and you’re gonna deserve it cause you’re fucking weak and you got a fucking weak immune system!

Let me tell you a true story about immunization okay?

When I was a little boy in New York City in the 1940s, we swam in the Hudson River and it was filled with raw sewage okay? We swam in raw sewage! You know… to cool off! And at that time, the big fear was polio; thousands of kids died from polio every year but you know something? In my neighbourhood, no one ever got polio! No one! Ever! You know why? Cause we swam in raw sewage! It strengthened our immune systems! The polio never had a prayer; we were tempered in raw shit! So personally, I never take any special precautions against germs. I don’t shy away from people that sneeze and cough, I don’t wipe off the telephone, I don’t cover the toilet seat, and if I drop food on the floor, I pick it up and eat it! Yes I do. Even if I’m at a sidewalk café! In Calcutta! The poor section! On New Year’s morning during a soccer riot! And you know something? In spite of all that so-called risky behaviour, I never get infections, I don’t get them, I don’t get colds, I don’t get flu, I don’t get headaches, I don’t get upset stomach, you know why? Cause I got a good strong immune system and it gets a lot of practice. My immune system is equipped with the biological equivalent of fully automatic military assault rifles with night vision and laser scopes, and we have recently acquired phosphorous grenades, cluster bombs, and anti-personnel fragmentation mines.

So when my white blood cells are on patrol recon ordering my blood stream seeking out strangers and other undesirables, if they see any, ANY suspicious looking germs of any kind, they don’t fuck around!
They whip out their weapons; they wax the motherfucker and deposit the unlucky fellow directly into my colon! Into my colon! There’s no nonsense, there’s no Miranda warning, there’s none of that “three strikes and you’re out” shit, first defense, BAM… into the colon you go! And speaking of my colon, I want you to know I don’t automatically wash my hands every time I go to the bathroom okay? Can you deal with that? Sometimes I do, sometimes I don’t. You know when I wash my hands? When I shit on them! That’s the only time. And you know how often that happens? Tops, TOPS, 2-3 times a week tops! Maybe a little more frequently over the holidays, you know what I mean? And I’ll tell you something else my well-scrubbed friends… you don’t need to always need to shower every day, did you know that? It’s overkill, unless you work out or work outdoors, or for some reason come in intimate contact with huge amounts of filth and garbage every day, you don’t always need to shower. All you really need to do is to wash the four key areas; armpits, asshole, crotch, and teeth. Got that? Armpits, asshole, crotch, and teeth. In fact, you can save yourself a whole lot of time if you simply use the same brush on all four areas!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X29lF43mUlo https://www.lingq.com/sv/lesson/george-carlin-fear-of-germs-235986

a little cooking humor

Ready to wok and roll!

alfred nobel was a thief!

the genie of the lamp

A Polish gentleman was walking through Krakow one afternoon, and found a curious object covered in dust and grime.

As he was cleaning it, out popped a genie.

“I am the Genie of the Lamp™. I will grant you 3 wishes. Choose wisely.”

The gentleman asked, “3 wishes? Any 3 wishes?”

“Yes, any 3 wishes you choose.”

The gentleman thought for a moment and said, “I wish for the Mongol invasion of Poland.”

To which the genie replied, “The Mongol invasion of Poland? With Ghengis Khan and the Mongol Hordes? You’re Polish, you know – are you sure?”

“Yes, quite sure.”

“OK. Give me a few minutes.”

Up from the ancient battlefields, graveyards, and mausoleums across Asia rose Ghengis Khan and the Mongol Hordes. Sweeping across the steppes of Asia. Havoc! Bedlam! Death! Destruction everywhere! Into Poland! Leveling everything in their path.

And back to their resting places went the Mongol Hordes.

“Phew – that was probably the biggest wish I have ever granted. Are you satisfied, sir?”

Looking around decimated Krakow, the gentleman replied, “not bad, genie, not bad.”

“What do you desire for your second wish, master?”

“Easy – the Mongol invasion of Poland.”

“You want..the same wish. Again‽”

“Yes – is that against the rules?”

“Well…no. But. Well. OK. If you insist, sir.”

Up from the ancient battlefields, graveyards, and mausoleums across Asia rose Ghengis Khan and the Mongol Hordes. Sweeping across the steppes of Asia. Havoc! Bedlam! Death! Destruction everywhere! Into Poland! Leveling everything in their path.

And back to their resting places went the Mongol Hordes.

“I have never been asked for the same exact wish twice in a row before, master. How did that suit you?”

With barely a stone left atop another, the man said, “Genie – that was better than the first time.”

“Thank you, master – I live only to please.”

“Genie, I know what I desire for my third wish.”

“Yes, master?”

“The Mongol invasion of Poland.”

“…AGAIN‽

“Yes – unless wishing for the same thing three times in a row is against the rules.”

“Master, you must be the most peculiar possessor of the lamp I have ever had. As you wish, sir.”

Up from the ancient battlefields, graveyards, and mausoleums across Asia rose Ghengis Khan and the Mongol Hordes. Sweeping across the steppes of Asia. Havoc! Bedlam! Death! Destruction everywhere! Into Poland! Leveling everything in their path.

And back to their resting places went the Mongol Hordes.

“Sir, I must ask – I have been in this business a very long time. Why, praytell, did you wish for the Mongol invasion of Poland – and why did you wish for it three times?”

The Polish gentleman replied, “that’s easy, genie – every time the Mongols invade Poland, they invade Russia. Twice.”


I don’t know the original author – but I’ve found this hilarious since I first heard it probably 10 years ago or more

you can make anything online – even grave markers

Knock yourself out.

david pogue’s 1996 mac holiday sing-along

Thanks, Archive.org!

God Rest Ye Copland Programmers
(to the tune of “God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen”)

God rest ye Copland programmers,
It’s finally Christmas Day.
You’ve all worked 20-hour shifts
Beginning back in May.
No wonder after such neglect
Your spouses moved away.
The last real meal you had
Was late last year–
That’s what we hear;
And since then you’ve lived on
Pizza, Coke, and beer.

Your bosses change, and change their minds,
Is Copland off or on?
Are last week’s OS plans in place
Or now completely gone?
God rest ye well this Christmas Day,
You’d better sleep in late–
It’s the last sleep you’ll get till ’98.
Isn’t that great?
It’s the last day off you’ll have till ’98!

The Bill Gates Song
(to the tune of “The Christmas Song”)

Netscape roasting on an open fire,
Apple begging on its knees,
Photo popping up on Time magazine,
Yes, Bill Gates dreams of days like these!
Everybody knows he’s never fully satisfied,
Throws himself behind each task,
World dominion is his company’s goal.
Well, hey, is that so much to ask?
He knows the world is in his sway,
We’ll buy whatever software he might toss our way,
We’ll surf his Internet, watch his TV,
He’ll take us anywhere we ask him–for a fee.

And so we’re offering this simple prayer,
To Bill and all his MS grunts:
Since we all follow any standard you write,
Make it good, please,
Make it good, please,
Make it good, please, just once!

Gil Amelio’s Coming to Town!
(to the tune of “Santa Claus Is Coming to Town”)

You better watch out,
Absurd as it sounds,
‘Cause Apple’s about
To lose a few pounds–
Gil Amelio’s coming to town!

He’s making a list,
And trimming the rolls
Of projects that missed
Their revenue goals–
Gil Amelio’s coming to town!
He knows what’s losing money,
Like eWorld, PowerTalk . . .
You’d better make your project work
Or prepare to take a walk!

Though you follow his lead
Right out the back door,
You know he’ll succeed–
He’s done it before!
Gil Amelio’s coming to town!

Microsoft
(to the tune of “Jingle Bells”)

Nine-tenths of a gig,
Biggest ever seen,
God, this program’s big–
MS Word 15!
Comes on ten CDs,
And requires–damn!
Word is fine, but jeez–
60 megs of RAM?!

Oh! Microsoft, Microsoft,
Bloatware all the way!
I’ve sat here installing Word
Since breakfast yesterday!
Oh! Microsoft, Microsoft,
Moderation, please.
Guess you hadn’t noticed:
Four-gig drives don’t grow on trees!

I’m Dreaming of a Clean System
(to the tune of “White Christmas”)

I’m dreaming of a clean System,
Something that fits on one CD.
Each component matches,
Not bits and patches,
Unlike 7-5-point-3.
I’m longing for a dream System,
Small, stable, fast, and trouble-free.
What we want, I think you’ll agree,
Is called System 6-point-oh-3!

Violent Night
(to the tune of “Silent Night”)

Silent Mac, broken Mac!
System bombed, screen went black.
Books suggested things; I tried ’em all:
Shift key, desktop file, clean reinstall.
Now my deadline is tight,
This Mac’s been silent all night.

Violent night, horrible night!
Lost my cool, filled with spite,
Threw my Mac through the balcony door
Watched it fall from the 20th floor,
Now I’m sleeping in peace;
Thank God I had it on lease.

Prove It’s So!
(to the tune of “Let It Snow”)

Oh, the papers say Apple’s dying,
But before we start good-byeing,
We should call them all up and go,
“Prove it’s so! Prove it’s so! Prove it’s so!”

They say “Mac OS software’s scarcer.”
We say, “Read those numbers, there, sir,
Sales continued this year to grow.
There ya go, there ya go, there ya go!”

When they tell us Win 95
Made the Mac’s famed advantages ebb,
We’ll say, “Why, then, do Macs now drive
60 percent of the Web?”

We can win our PR reversal–
Make the Mac be universal–
Though we may have some years to go,
Make it so, make it so, make it so!

Happily Addicted to the Web
(to the tune of “Winter Wonderland”)

Doorbell rings, I’m not list’nin’,
From my mouth, drool is glist’nin’,
I’m happy–although
My boss let me go–
Happily addicted to the Web.
All night long, I sit clicking,
Unaware time is ticking,
There’s beard on my cheek,
Same clothes for a week,
Happily addicted to the Web.

Friends come by; they shake me,
Saying, “Yo, man!
Don’t you know tonight’s the senior prom?”
With a listless shrug, I mutter, “No, man;
I just discovered letterman-dot-com!”

I don’t phone, don’t send faxes,
Don’t go out, don’t pay taxes,
Who cares if someday
They drag me away?
I’m happily addicted to the Web!

somewhere over the buffet

From the late, great John Pinnete (to the tune of “Somewhere Over the Rainbow”)

Somewhere over the buffet:
Food piled high.
There’s a meal I must get to,
Stop me and you will die.

Somewhere over the buffet:
Watch me fly.
Eating up all of the profits,
Making the owner cry.

Someday I’ll have my own buffet
Where no one can tell me to stop eating.
With prime rib, pork chops, pizza, ham –
A gastronomic wonderland!

I’ll be at every seating!

If scrawny, skinny men can fly
Over the buffet,
Why oh why can’t I?