antipaucity

fighting the lack of good ideas

welcome to laas technologies – purveyors of the latest paas techniques

Are your wigs in need of whitening? Do your dentures need to be dusted? Is your peg leg prematurely languishing?

Do I have great news for you!

Hello, and let me be the first to welcome you to LaaS Technologies. We are the true PaaS specialists – here to cater to your every whim and desire.

Yes folks, you heard right, you can finally get the best prosthetic for you whenever you need it: prosthesis-on-demand via our exclusive, patented Prosthetics-as-a-Service process. LaaS Technologies is so excited to serve this wide-spread community.

Too long prosthesis users have had to suffer through substandard supply processes. From the cycle of repeated denture fittings to the heartache of not being able to best utilize your bionic arm, or the emotional pain of being stuck with last year’s wig model when the latest fashionable variants have debuted – LaaS Tech is here for you.

With LaaS Tech’s innovative prosthetics-by-subscription offerings, you never have to worry about being out-of-style with your toupee, or that you’ll underperform at this year’s New York City Marathon – LaaS Tech will work with you and your budget to maximize your prosthetic experience.

Can’t afford much now, but want to upgrade later? LaaS Tech’s flexible pricing options let you mix’n’match your prosthetics to best fit your style, and your budget. We want you to be fully satisfied with your addons and upgrades, and are available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.

Need a new limb for your big date this weekend? Ask about our exclusive short-term “burst” rentals, here you can take advantage of our industry-leading Limb-as-a-Service, on-demand upgrades.

Call us today, toll-free at 85LAASTECH (855.227.8324) and speak with one of our highly-trained PaaS consultants.

LaaS Tech will help keep you as vital as possible until your ultimate timely passing. When that time comes, visit our sister company, DeathEx, who will care for you in perpetuity*, to ensure your loved ones can always remember the best about you^.


* Unlike Plots-R-Us.
^ Ask about LaaS Tech’s unique Finalization Lease-to-Own offerings, whereby you can showcase the ultimate you to all your friends and loved ones even in your final passing.

how cold is it?

an oldy, but a goody


An annotated thermometer (degrees Fahrenheit)

+50
New York tenants turn on the heat
Minnesotans plant gardens

+40
Californians shiver uncontrollably
Minnesotans sunbathe

+35
Italian cars don’t start

+32
Distilled water freezes

+30
You can see your breath
You plan a vacation in Florida
Politicians begin to worry about the homeless
Minnesotans eat ice cream

+25
Boston water freezes
Californians weep pitiably
Cat insists on sleeping on your bed with you

+20
Cleveland water freezes
San Franciscans start thinking favorably of LA
Minnesota Vikings fans put on T-shirts—-YEAH!!!

+15
You plan a vacation in CANCUN!!!!!
Minnesotans go swimming

+10
Politicians begin to talk about the homeless
Too cold to snow
You need jumper cables to get the car going

0
New York landlords turn on the heat

-5
You can hear your breath
You plan a vacation in Hawaii

-10
American cars don’t start
Too cold to skate

-15
You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo
Miamians cease to exist
Minnesotans lick flagpoles

-20
Cat insists on sleeping in your pajamas with you
Politicians actually do something about the homeless
People in Duluth think about taking down screens

-25
Too cold to kiss
You need jumper cables to get the driver going
Japanese cars don’t start
Minnesota Twins head for spring training

-30
You plan a two-week hot bath
Minnesotans shovel snow off roof

-38
Mercury freezes
Too cold to think
Minnesotans button top button

-40
Californians disappear
Car insists on sleeping in your bed with you
Minnesotans put on sweaters

-50
Congressional hot air freezes
Alaskans close the bathroom window
Two Harbors Minnesota Agates practice indoors

-60
Walruses abandon Aleutians
Minnesotans put gloves away, take out mittens
Boy Scouts in Two Harbors Minnesota start Klondike Derby

-70
Minneapolis residents replace diving boards with hockey nets
Ridgeway snowmobilers organize trans-river race to Buffalo,WI
Lackore Boys start to complain while working on snowmobiles

-80
Polar bears abandon Baffin Island
Girl Scouts in Two Harbors Minnesota start Klondike Derby

-90
Lawyers chase ambulances for no more than 10 miles
Wisconsinites migrate to Minnesota thinking it MUST be warmer

-100
Santa Claus abandons North Pole
Minnesotans pull down earflaps

-173
Ethyl alcohol freezes
The University of Minnesota (Twin Cities Campus) closes

-445
Superconductivity
Lackore Boys quit working on snowmobiles.

-452
Helium becomes a liquid

-454
Hell freezes over

-456
Illinois drivers drop below 85 MPH on I-90

-458
Incumbent politician renounces a campaign contribution

-460 (Absolute Zero)
All atomic motion ceases
The University of Minnesota-Duluth is closed
Minnesotans alert us as to how it’s getting a mite nippy


refound here

lobachevsky – by tom lehrer

Tom Lehrer, for those who don’t know, was a fantastic satirist and musical humorist in the 20th century.

Lobachevsky is one of my favorites of his (YouTube edition):

[spoken] For many years now, Mr. Danny Kaye, who has been my particular idol since childbirth, has been doing a routine about the great Russian director Stanislavsky and the secret of success in the acting profession. And I thought it would be interesting to stea… to adapt this idea to the field of mathematics. I always like to make explicit the fact that before I went off not too long ago to fight in the trenches, I was a mathematician by profession. I don’t like people to get the idea that I have to do this for a living. I mean, it isn’t as though I had to do this, you know, I could be making, oh, 3000 dollars a year just teaching.

Be that as it may, some of you may have had occasion to run into mathematicians and to wonder therefore how they got that way, and here, in partial explanation perhaps, is the story of the great Russian mathematician Nicolai Ivanovich Lobachevsky. 

[spoke-sung]

Who made me the genius I am today,
The mathematician that others all quote,
Who’s the professor that made me that way?
The greatest that ever got chalk on his coat.

One man deserves the credit,
One man deserves the blame,
And Nicolai Ivanovich Lobachevsky is his name.
Hi!
Nicolai Ivanovich Lobach-

I am never forget the day I first meet the great Lobachevsky.
In one word he told me secret of success in mathematics:
Plagiarize!

Plagiarize,
Let no one else’s work evade your eyes,
Remember why the good Lord made your eyes,
So don’t shade your eyes,
But plagiarize, plagiarize, plagiarize –
Only be sure always to call it please ‘research’.

And ever since I meet this man
My life is not the same,
And Nicolai Ivanovich Lobachevsky is his name.
Hi!
Nicolai Ivanovich Lobach-

I am never forget the day I am given first original paper
to write. It was on analytic and algebraic topology of
locally Euclidean parameterization of infinitely differentiable
Riemannian manifold.
Bozhe moi!
This I know from nothing.
What-i’m going-to do.
But I think of great Lobachevsky and get idea – ahah!

I have a friend in Minsk,
Who has a friend in Pinsk,
Whose friend in Omsk
Has friend in Tomsk
With friend in Akmolinsk.
His friend in Alexandrovsk
Has friend in Petropavlovsk,
Whose friend somehow
Is solving now
The problem in Dnepropetrovsk.

And when his work is done –
Ha ha! – begins the fun.
From Dnepropetrovsk
To Petropavlovsk,
By way of Iliysk,
And Novorossiysk,
To Alexandrovsk to Akmolinsk
To Tomsk to Omsk
To Pinsk to Minsk
To me the news will run,
Yes, to me the news will run!

And then I write
By morning, night,
And afternoon,
And pretty soon
My name in Dnepropetrovsk is cursed,
When he finds out I publish first!

And who made me a big success
And brought me wealth and fame?
Nicolai Ivanovich Lobachevsky is his name.
Hi!
Nicolai Ivanovich Lobach –

I am never forget the day my first book is published.
Every chapter I stole from somewhere else.
Index I copy from old Vladivostok telephone directory.
This book was sensational!
Pravda – well, Pravda – Pravda said: “Zhil-bil korol kogda-to, pree nyom blokha zhila”[1] It stinks.
But Izvestia! Izvestia said: “Ya idoo kuda sam czar idyot peshkom!”[2] 
It stinks.
Metro-Goldwyn-Moskva buys movie rights for six million rubles,
Changing title to ‘The Eternal Triangle’,
With Brigitte Bardot playing part of hypotenuse.

And who deserves the credit?
And who deserves the blame?
Nicolai Ivanovich Lobachevsky is his name.
Hi! 

pee-harmony, the original doggy forum

Have you ever noticed while walking a dog that they stop and sniff every tree, bush, and poo pile? And when two dogs come together, they sniff each other’s butts (a distinctly rude activity, if you ask me!)

I have a theory – dogs sniff each other’s butts because they’ve sniffed the pee patches and poo piles and want to know if those anonymous leavings are from the the dog they’ve just run into.

If they are, it must be somewhat akin to meeting in real life someone you’ve only known in a chat room or forum – DonkyKongSr or spiffalicious71. I wonder if the dogs think “hey! That was a really funny message you left!” or “man! You’re a jerk – I should bite your face off” when they come across the leaver of the scent.

And how disappointed must dogs be when the only way they ever hear back from another dog is when they pee on the same spot and they can tell that spiffalicious71 has come by again. Must be the canine equivalent of phone tag – but with eau d’ammonia instead of voices.

fact of the week

From the `fortune`-powered, motd on my server this morning:

Here is the fact of the week, maybe even the fact of the month. According to probably reliable sources, the Coca-Cola people are experiencing severe marketing anxiety in China.

The words “Coca-Cola” translate into Chinese as either (depending on the inflection) “wax-fattened mare” or “bite the wax tadpole”.

Bite the wax tadpole.

There is a sort of rough justice, is there not?

The trouble with this fact, as lovely as it is, is that it’s hard to get a whole column out of it. I’d like to teach the world to bite a wax tadpole. Coke – it’s the real wax-fattened mare. Not bad, but broad satiric vistas do not open up.

— John Carrol, The San Francisco Chronicle


whose phone is it, anyway?

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: Hello?
WOMAN: Honey, it’s me. Are you at the club?
MAN: Yep, sure am…..
WOMAN: I’m at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It’s only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?
MAN: Sure, ..go ahead if you like it that much…
WOMAN: I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2010 models. I saw one I really liked.
MAN: How much?
WOMAN: $85,000
MAN: OK, but for that price I want it with all the options…
WOMAN: Great! Oh, and one more thing . The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They’re asking $950,000…down from $1.500,000
MAN: Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000.
WOMAN: OK. I’ll see you later! I love you!
MAN: Bye, I love you, too. The man hangs up.

The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment.

Then he smiles and asks: Anyone know who this phone belongs to?”

the. killer. business!

I’ve figured out what to do with the more than 6 billion people who will need to be buried after they’ve passed-on.

And how to make a handsome profit on the whole operation, too.

That’s right: subscription burials!


Good morning, and welcome to DeathEx, your friendly, local, death experts. We provide a full-service, personalized, and streamlined funeral experience.

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For more information, please call us at 800 DEATHEX, or feel free to peruse our website: http://deathex.com.

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*Some additional terms and conditions may apply. $19.95 service is representative only. Other service levels are available. Please see your certified burial subscription consultant for further details.

^Buffet costs and contents subject to change.